Chaotic

Ok, so....let me preface this entry by stating..i dont normally talk about like, relationships and stuff...i dont like to talk about them, well, not my own anyway...well, just to like, my closest friends...but i definitely dont discuss my feelings and especially not in this manner(highly public!!)ok, with that said.....i went to a going away party last night for a guy who i worked with for a brief period of time at nyp....i'll start by saying i almost didn't go to said party for a couple reasons; 1. I didnt know him well or anything... 2. In keeping with the whole being good thang, i was almost ready for bed by the time the girls called and didnt really feel like getting ready(which as we all know, is quite the daunting task for yours truly)but, after some convincing, and a promise that i'd meet new people, i agreed...So, while driving to the party(sidenote:the green machine, also known as my car, totally died on me tuesday morning. of course, it was right after i'd purchased my weekly groceries, perishable ones no less, which were just chillin in the car...it was sad... i totally had to push her off the morning rush filled street...luckily there was an auto shop just around the corner...but it was still quite traumatic, mind you, though it was still morning, the humidity was already like a bazillion degrees...it was disgusting, i mean i actually got to the point, after pushing her, she's a heavy little byotch..i got to the point where i just didnt care about the sweat that was rolling down my;face, chest, back, butt, i mean seriously, its not right!!!!!how do people(especially sweatprone ones) deal with this shit???anyhoo, i had to get a new radiator and some other stuff, it was quite the wake up call, my car was like, hello? could ya pay a little attention to me??)where was i??? oh yeah, so im on my way to this party and im realizing im in the part of town that drunken bicurious eric lives...its called mid-city, its an up and coming area in the city, alot of kids my age are starting to settle out there...anyway, i thought itd be weird if i ran into him, but i thought, nah, this is a going away party, he doesnt know any of these peeps.....this is where fate plays funny tricks on ya....cuz, of course he showed up at this party, with his sickly thin girlfriend(seriously, does this girl even eat?) and of course he came over and pretended to care about my life....here's the thing, as fd up of a person as he is, and as shitty as the relationship was....there was still this little part of me that wanted him back...its really a sick feeling, i mean, i'm totally over this guy, right? i have to be it was like 3 years ago...so, the night went on, i got home, and remembered i had tivoed britney and kevins show.chaotic..this is where it gets just plain sad...i started feeling all lonely, like, awww, i want someone too...blah blah blah, and i know this whole freakin thing started because i saw stupid eric at that party....i started thinking about past relationships(if you can call them that, i never get far enough to technically title it that, its more like, relations, or attempts at )and i realized....its almost like im sabotaging from the getgo, i mean, i think about each guy, how i seek out the guy with the issues or something just really fd up, because, this is what i used to tell myself, the masochist in me wants to fix them, make them better....but, time and time again, i seek out these men, and it never fails, i end up getting hurt....and even worse is that when i see them after the initial pain has been rendered, i still want them back....i realize these situations have been safe..its like, i go for the guy that i know wont last cuz that means i wont get too close, or at least thats what i tell myself, but, in retrospect, even if i dont get TOO close, i still start to or get attached, in turn, feelings are hurt....im so scared of love and being loved that ive deprived myself of all the positive emotions of relationships...so, i wonder, will it ever happen?will i be able to allow a healthy relationship to happen? or will i just keep sabotaging?i mean, i want to know that feeling, i want to be overwhelmed. i want to take that rollercoaster ride, with all the ups and the downs(i dont know how i feel about heartbreak though, not so sure i want to experience that!!)I guess i just look forward to that moment...when i think with my heart and not with my head, cuz so far....the heads been doin it all, and not so well i might add!! Ok, so...there's that....